If it feels like the end then it isn’t.

I had one of those days where the good outweighed the bad, so much so my mood was relatively stable.

I had work at 7:30. I awoke without a fuss or fight. My alarm acted as a precaution as my eyes opened at 5:30. I checked Instagram, for my morning dose of memes. I didn’t shower. Sometimes I don’t. I just can’t bring myself to become wet. I can go days without showering and advisable hygiene . The longest I have gone successfully 4 days. Successful meaning that my stench didn’t make me want to gag. Though with that said, I have pushed it to a week.

I walked to work, it is important to save all you can as a student. Plus it’s good exercise. The fog concealed all lights from the lamps, buildings and cars. I walked blindly. It takes about 40 minutes, probably less. I am terrible at estimating time. I was transferred to a new cafe. There were few customers so I only worked a three hour shift. That was my first piece of luck. I decided to go shopping and walk through the town center. Bath is such a beautiful place it inspires my awe. I bought few bits and pieces. New eyeliner, a hair brush. Simple grooming tools. I also bought a ring for my septum as opposed to wearing a keeper for the duration of my life. I love it I feel beautiful…

This is where Tuesday’s post ended. The depression took over. I was bed ridden for three days. The painful emptiness returned. The dark thoughts consumed my mind, my eyes throbbed and the beat in my chest muted. I felt the emptiness and hated myself for it. I cried myself to sleep. I was so close to hurting myself but I didn’t. Well I did, but not severely. Not like I use to. I scratched and bit my arm, until I was bruised. I fell into a warm slumber. I saw painful images of myself *trigger warning suicide*. I saw myself hanging from the curtain rod in my room, the door double locked but the windows and the curtains drawn open. I was so cold. I found the strength to see my counselor on Thursday. She suggested that I start taking new medication. Something to stabilise my mood. To provide me with some consistency, to stop the waves. The colossal ups and deathly lows. I tried to explain that I loved the ups. They were so beautiful and the deeper the down the more glorious the light is. I just don’t know whether I can make it through many more downs. The quicksand of melancholia keeps calling me. One day I wont escape.

I had a brilliant day today. I wasn’t very productive but I was relaxed and sociable. I was content with my mirror image. I felt as if the world was applauding me. I am grateful for today. I’m glad I held on.

CP x


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