Things I write to myself

This is my first ever blog post. I want to introduce myself but I’m not sure how to, in all honesty I don’t know who I am yet. Hopefully this is my journey to find clarity.

I have the tendency to cry, a lot. I do this in private of course. I mute my scream with my psychedelic print pillow close to suffocation. I close my eyes until they swell with tears then I erupt. My housemates do not know this side of me, they do not know I too have the capacity to be down in the pits of the deepest abyss.

I wrote this to myself on one of those days where it felt as if were treading water:

Dear codepumpkin,

It’s December 15th, you’re 20 and so beautiful. You are also everything you wanted to be, though there is still a long way to go. You are so much happier, all of this is your doing! Continue to reap the rewards of loving yourself and reaching your goals. Maybe you have lost your virginity, maybe not. You are in no rush. Though I hope you have found a suitor someone that you like and loves you back, but if not the prior advice applies – all in due time.

You are beautiful continue to love yourself and others. Do what makes you happy, I love you xoxo

I always write myself little notes of this sort hoping it will make a difference. It rarely does. Without fail I return to my habits of self – loathing and maladaptive behaviour. I am always waiting on a miraculous event to change me for the better, but I cant expect such a transformative experience to be external. There are actions I can take to better myself, so that when I look in the mirror I can see a work of art rather than a rough sketch of who I want to be.

CP x

 

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